Your significant other just told you your relationship is over. Or, you found out your spouse cheated on you. You didn't expect it coming and you feel broken inside. What do you do?
When you suffer the loss of a relationship, it can be very similar to a death. You need to grieve and go through the stages of grief. Everyone goes through these stages in different ways and it takes varying amounts of time. Give yourself the space and time you need to get to a better place. Here are some signs to look for and some tips to get through this difficult time.
1. Shock and denial. You just can't believe it! You di't expect it or, if you knew there was trouble, you didn't think it was that bad. Your first reaction might be to refuse to believe it or you might just be numb and don't know how to react. Either way, you need to let it sink in. Ask questions or get answers if you need to but make sure that you take some time alone to think and reflect. This will allow you to adjust to your new reality and may prevent you from taking actions you may later regret.
2. Anger or bargaining. Everyone will get to this stage at different times but you WILL get there. It is ok to feel anger -sometimes you will deserve to feel anger! The question is, though, what are you going to do about it? Someone once told me that you cannot help your emotions but you can help what you do about them. My advice is to step back and think things through. If there is any chance of saving your relationship, the worst thing you can do is to take negative actions. Do not text or call the other person 100 times a day. Do not follow them, stalk them or harm them or their property in any way. Not only is this not helpful to your mental health but it can be a crime. Do not beg them, throw yourselves at them or bargain for a future together. This only turns people off and does not make you feel good about yourself.
3. Retrospection and constructive actions. Some people get this, some people don't. It is now time to think about how and why this happened. Sometimes, it is completely no fault of your own. If that is true, you are better off without that person. However, this is often not true. Take a deep look at yourself and your relationship. If you now can see how you contributed to this break-up, you need to acknowledge that to both yourself and your significant other. Be willing to change and address the problems - even if it means getting professional help. This is often the first step in saving your relationship. However, even if it is too late for that, you need to do this for yourself, your family and your future relationships. Patterns tend to repeat themselves and, if you don't want to suffer a broken heart over and over, you may need to accept that you need to change.
4. Depression or loneliness. If your relationship is over no matter what you do, you will be sad. You will feel depression and loneliness. That's ok but recognize it for what it is. Indulge yourself for a while - eat your chocolate double-fudge ice cream or have a few drinks. However, if it goes on too long and you just can't seem to get past it, talk about it with friends or family. They often have good advice. If that doesn't work, get some counseling. You need to.
5. Move forward. Life does go on and things will get better. You cannot let this permanently affect you or steer you onto the wrong path. Get out there - hang out with your friends, be social, join some clubs or go out.
Remember - one person should have so much power over you and your happiness should not be so dependent on another individual. Trust me - you will eventually feel better. How much and how long it takes will be entirely up to you.
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